If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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