Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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