I wish I could punch you in the face.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
