it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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