Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
