Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize