Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
