Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
someone owes me an orgasm
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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