A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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