I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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