He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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