Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
