i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
