Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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