the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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