i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
