dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
