Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
