smell my finger.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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