note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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