while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
