If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
