we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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