How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
