I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize