Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
