This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
