can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
