If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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