Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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