Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
