he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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