my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
