broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
