Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
