I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
