If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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