I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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