I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
