the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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