my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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