Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
