Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
