I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
