I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
