...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
