you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize