The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
