I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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