I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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