there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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