I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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