Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
