I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
