My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
