I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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