Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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