I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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