Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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