i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
