you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
