you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
