The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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