my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
