I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize