She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
