I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
