I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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