So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
