How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
